Home > Uncategorized > Shraddha: Giving Up Exisiting To Care

Shraddha: Giving Up Exisiting To Care

I was finishing my day at college and the very thought of going home was not a very pleasant one.   I had to go home and cook lunch, feed my mom, clean her up, clean the kitchen and stuff after the family had eaten and then look after my mother through the day.   Yes my prelims were nearing so also had to study for them.   Think about what to make for dinner and also go for my music classes in the evening….come back and make dinner.   Again feed mom…clean up…the thought of going through all this bore me down.  I did not feel like going home at all.

 

Still I went through the lecture not listening to professor at all but thinking about my mom.  She was sick we didn’t know what it was but it was some sort of illness in her brain.  We had started by taking her to a gynaecologist and a homeopath since we thought that her mood swings and general lost feeling and absent-mindedness were due to menopause.  But that did not seem to work.  It was sad to see that the Zarana teacher who everybody loved at Udgam School was losing a bit of herself with every passing moment.  Slowly she started to forget everything and lost the ability to even do basic things like clean herself, eating on her own or even going to the bathroom.  she was like a helpless child now… had to fed, bathed, hair had to be combed, and cuddled when she had these bouts of crying and yelling for no apparent reason.  I remembered the numerous visits to the psychiatrist and how he diagnosed her with some kind of schizophrenia.  And later even pre-senile psychosis.   It was devastating that I had to study the exact symptoms and visit mental asylums and see patients and study their symptoms.  I would break down in class.  Nobody understood what I was going through.

 

I walked out of the campus and sat in an auto rickshaw and headed home, which was not very far away from my college.  I was just paying the driver looking for some change in my purse, when I saw mom walking on the opposite side of the road.   I panicked.  She was as it is very far; I let the rickshaw driver keep the 50 rest. And ran towards her, but had lost her.  I didn’t know which way she went from the crossroads.  I just stood there feeling scared out of my wits.  Mom did not remember where she lived, her phone no. she sometimes couldn’t even remember her name.  What I going to do? Where was I going to find her? Tears of helplessness just started flowing out of my tired eyes.  I went home and asked my old grandparents why they let mom walk out of the house knowing her condition so well, to this my grandfather just yelled at me and told me that what can we do?? She just opened the door and walked out…what do you expect we run after a mad woman??    Now the tears of helplessness were accompanied by tears of anger too!!!

 

My father was not in town he used to travel for work.  but I called him and told him what happened and he too started scolding me that I didn’t take care of mom and it was my fault that she had gone off!!  I just did not know what to do… I called my maternal uncle to ask if mom had reached his place by any chance.  So he said no she hadn’t and he too started to tell me how we had failed to take care of her…i felt so guilty…why did i have to go to college..Had I been at home this would have never happened.  The suspense and the holding me responsible event ended after mom just walked into the house and quietly went into her room and sat down.  I just followed her and asked where she had gone off angrily.  To this she innocently replied that she just had gone for a walk.  I hugged her and cried my heart out.   I had nearly lost her!!

 

The same evening at the dinner table the silence was killing.  My father was back too.  I announced that I would not be going to college from tomorrow.  Everything was still quiet.  Nobody asked me a thing as to why I was doing this. Or it was only two months more for my third year to be over I could be at home then.  Nothing….!!  No one said a word they knew that this was the only way out and I had to stay home to look after mom since my sister was very young and it was mandatory that my father go to work.   The conversation was over.

 

That was my last day at college.  I never went back.  Or gave my prelims due to which was not allowed to give my final exams.  My professors pleaded with the principal to please allow me to give my finals as an exception, but he was adamant and said no…

 

I never got a degree.  I did not mind but I was there at home to be with mom.  And make sure that what happened that afternoon never happened again.  My mom suffered a lot for many years she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and each day had some story or the other, some more painful than the others. It was not easy to see mom’s sprit die each day.  The day she actually I died I did not shed a tear.  I guess they had dried up… she was long gone for me… for the six odd years i had lost a part of my loving mom..My wonderful mom, my wonder woman mom…she was and is my woman of substance…and shall be the woman I admire and am inspired by always….

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  1. Vasantha B V
    February 9, 2010 at 9:49 PM

    Dear Shraddha,

    I got tears reading about what you had to undergo. I only hope that you have resumed studies and doing fine. I wish you all the very best in life and God bless and you also have your mother’s blessings from above !!
    Vasantha

  2. Shashie
    July 17, 2011 at 7:32 AM

    I salute you and may God give you every happiness and joy there is. God bless.

  1. December 24, 2010 at 12:24 PM

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